Back at school after a long coma of talking to the voices in my head in the confines of my house. The temperatures of the classrooms vary here in my school, because the teachers fix the thermostat according to how they're feeling. 1st hour, lazily warm and comfy, like too many blankets on a rainy Saturday, I couldn't concentrate on the government exam review sheets. 2nd hour, cooler, crisper, like going outside after being in all day. The pace faster, quicker, more focused, being a journalism class. Even after 3 years, now being a senior, provailing over all underclass, I fade away into the artwork on the bulletin boards, the lockers, the murals in the hallways. This ghostly vision that pushes past everyone to get where she's going, whom is struggling to really be someone. But everyone only sees the little girl they ignored when they were growing up, tall and blond even then. Kalamazoo, what a zoo, what a trap to still be in. What does she have to do to see different, be different, hea @!KAT
listen — Katherine Blanke (KAT), in the voice cast for this edition
Ah, back at home, oh safe haven from staring eyes that give you a quick once over and go on to the next victim. I have grown almost oblivious to them in three and a half years time, but I still get the urge to look away like a convicted criminal before the jury. At the turn of the year, I made silent vow to myself to find some actually organization and focus in my disorderly, turn-of-the-adult world. Funny when I think about it at times of reflection, I can picture the world inside my head rather ever-changing. Light and dark, cool and warm, more like the weather around this ZOO in the 'Zoo. Lime greens and bold purples, then soft blues and homely yellows, circular dreams and square realities, vines of the jungle among the cobwebs of my inspirations.
Home among my books and summer weather in my un-insulated room and spring weather in the backyard, the tarot cards and cd's, candles, many, many candles and dark panels. Here I am safe and here I am me.
@!KAT
listen — Katherine Blanke (KAT), in the voice cast for this edition
Late at night, on break from the pile of homework that still eludes me...had a glimpse of the "adult world" today in the registering of college. Funny how when I reach the end of a stage, I always look to the next steps as being wonderful and transforming. Funny, isn't it... Late at night, the only thing alive is my mind and my writer's voice, sometimes a whisper at the back of my mind, other times a shout I turn frantically for but no one else hears. House settling, vent rattling, clock chiming the hour, quarter after, half-hour, quarter to...every fifteen minutes, part of my life is gone away. I used to waste away the hours, no one to share them with, why do anything? Old habits die hard, as I now have many people, I still sit alone when they are not there. alone, together, flip-sides of the same mirror. When you are with people, you long to belong, when you are not, you still wish to be with them.
Tick-tock....tick-tock....tick-tock....mind shuts off and soul uncovers the cloth...
Sometimes, I just want to dance. I want my feet to jump and sweep along the old carpeting of the confined space that is my living room, feeling my arms stretch out and my legs twirl me around and around. I want to move my arms and legs and twist about and feel graceful, feel immortal, with my dreams hanging in the ceiling and my fallings-out in the basement, forgotten for the moment. Sometimes...
@!KAT
listen — Katherine Blanke (KAT), in the voice cast for this edition
quiet now, after the return of what i call my "learning experience"...last night, fatique drenched over me, i could hear the rain on my ceiling, thin as it is. in the dark, layers of covers, just the shadows and me, listening to the rain on my roof. if only it wasn't cold, i'd go sit in it...have it engulf me, soak me up until i became whole... tired again tonight, but a craving to write burns bright inside me, so bright, it's a dancing temptation. a curse for the uninspired, a blessing when in need of self-expression...sex, sex, sex...seems the word is all i hear and never do, but 'tis not a bad thing. when i lie with him, when he touches me, when we hold each other, kiss, hug, caress, massage, we make love...just not the scientific definition, just our own.
@!KAT
listen — Katherine Blanke (KAT), in the voice cast for this edition
Arising from under the waves of deep sleep, I rose in the morning to an empty and cold house, dirty dishes and food in the kitchen and the living room in just as poor condition. Another night my sister had a friend over, I could see. Then I think for the hundredth time: I gotta get outta here. Arising from beneath the cool water, I splashed and held my breath inbetween moments...at a pool in January. Stress of exams over until thwaveades arrive at my mailbox...
@!KAT
listen — Katherine Blanke (KAT), in the voice cast for this edition
tears i have been trying to hold back all day flow freely down my cheeks now, hopelessly devouring my calm appearance. nothing goes right, no matter th hope, the planning, the desire to do something right for a change and then i stop for a moment. why am i so afraid? day of new classes, confrontations, work and coming home to realize no one cares and i am alone in this fight for who i am. why are the simplest things the hardest to accomplish? i try to do it my way and you come home and tell me i'm just wasting my time. how many times have i longed to pack up what i need and leave, hitching to another place, only to drown the thought in a corner of mind out of fear of anger and resentment because i did what i wanted. why is frustration so hard to overcome? why can't i make myself understand?
why do i cry so hard?
@!KAT
listen — Katherine Blanke (KAT), in the voice cast for this edition
Lazy days make me wish for more hours in the day...maybe a 30-hour day to think all my thoughts, cry all my tears, laugh until my stomach bursts into a thousand pieces inside of me and to try and understand philosophy. Watching, thinking, listening makes me realize my own inadequacy in thought...how can one make the mind understand all these wonderful things that it refuses to decipher? How does one go about disciplining the mind from thinking what you don't wish to think? Sometimes I feel I am to burst out crying thinking of all I lose every second and other times the frustration of failing makes me want to run through the walls.
Ahhh, sanctuary in the arms on a couch, trading stories of learned trials and crafted art. The one thing I miss during the long hours of conforming hell is the way I am when surrounded by those arms, those thoughts, that laughter, those eyes and that smile.
It's when I realize everyone else, that I realize how small and average I am and how much learning I need to do of my own and not that of textbooks.
@!KAT
listen — Katherine Blanke (KAT), in the voice cast for this edition
the rain came today...little tears, little aches and little wishes from the sky that no one ever used...they make me think...they make me feel...i don't feel. deep down in the caverns of me, whoever she is, this nameless being i inhabit, i feel a hole. i feel a road underneath my feet as i walk to school, to class, to the car, to the parking lot, to the bathroom, to sleep, but it's taking me somewhere else, somewhere i cannot imagine.
once i am there, if i ever arrive, will i have all the answers to my questions? will everything be worth it? will life regain the meaning i thought it had? or will it return to being the everyday sort of thing that just appears now and then? oh, i forgot-that's life.
maybe i will break free from this illusion. nothing can happen to me...i'll be fine...i'll graduate, i'll get the marks, go to the college, become...something...i'm invincible-i'm eighteen...maybe i'll finally realize that eighteen doesn't equal invincible...say, when i'm 28.
oh, how i have missed.
@!KAT
listen — Katherine Blanke (KAT), in the voice cast for this edition
answers...the one thing always searched, strived, desired for and never really achieved. seeming so simple, but we make it so complicated. warm crystals falling from the sky, almost like the earth needed a bath, according to the sky, or maybe the heavens are crying for us. rain finds the quiet in me, i feel still, solemn, actually divine when it rains. people in the hallway stare, friends ask what;s wrong; nothing, i reply, slow smile. it's just the rain.
one year this week...how to explain the feeling i still have for this one person? every day, thoughts rush into me, just marveling, just amazed to have someone, to be with this person, to have all that we have together: friendship and relationship, friends, writing...each other.
@!KAT
listen — Katherine Blanke (KAT), in the voice cast for this edition
cool rain drizzles on my bare head, old shoes slap cement while i walk back to school for a softball game. in the locker room, that forever scent of sweat, old, molding uniforms, dirt from the field stuck in my cleats from practice yesterday. i dress quickly, hotshort to keep my arm warm, sliding shorts, shorts, uniform number 10, knee socks, cleats...helmet and glove and now in the rain again, drops kissing my face. jagged shoes dig into grass and mud of the outfield...but i can't play today...and someone else goes into my position, center field...and I'm green when she catches the ball, makes the throw, runs back for a deep hit...i'm green that i can't race the ball. @!KAT
listen — Katherine Blanke (KAT), in the voice cast for this edition
I find it strange that I feel the most confident, the most energetic and beautiful at home by myself. I lay around the house in whatever was on the floor when I woke up and do what I need to do around the house all day in the same clothes. Listening to my recent fave CD, going online, making invitations for my grad party, just relaxing. Getting strange ideas for writing, thinking about trying a sculpture class, thinking about shaving my hair really close to my head so I never have to worry about brushing it after a sweaty softball game again. Just being me and not worrying. @!KAT
listen — Katherine Blanke (KAT), in the voice cast for this edition
I have been forever boxed in by my classmates as the girl they met 3, 5, 8, 12 years ago, depending on who you talk to. Thinking about graduation and how my life is going to change and be my own has changed me just by thinking about it. I've become bolder, shedding my self-consciousness like a snakeskin, finally being who I really am. Finally freeing myself of my own box that I let them trap me in. @!KAT
listen — Katherine Blanke (KAT), in the voice cast for this edition
There's a connection there I never thought I'd have with anyone else. He's two in one body and still nowhere near perfection. But, somehow, I love him. When I tickle him playfully, his face turns a rosy pink around the cheeks and he grins this broad stroke of a grin across his face that he hides from everyone else...he always asks me why I tickle him, because to him it's pure torture, and I always answer 'because you look so cute when I do.' But secretly, it's to unearth that smile from where he keeps it buried. He fights to tickle me back, but I hold his arms down and then he gets exasperated and tells me I'm too strong, which I love. Normally, I doubt any guy would admit to being weaker than a girl, especially his girlfriend. But this is only one of the few things he admits to me. Trying to see into his mind is like peeking through the keyhole of a locked closet and only seeing a few rays of light coming from the keyhole. It can hurt that I tell him everything, I unlock the chest of my mind and pour forth my jewels and gold, the treasure of my deepest thoughts and he doesn't blink at the brightness nor seem enraptured. And I have to push and twist at the knob of his mouth to get him to release even the smallest private thought. But, somehow, I love him.
@!KAT
listen — Katherine Blanke (KAT), in the voice cast for this edition
He doesn't touch me as much anymore. It used to be, I see him, he sees me, "Hi" "Hey" and a hug. It used to be an easy smile and watching his eyes brighten when he saw me and we drink each other in, forgetting everyone else and just concentrating on the pull we have on each other. I used to feel appreciated, nice to be with...now I just feel like something to do until something better arrives or someone else turns his head. I hate being put on hold while he double-checks his records...
@!KAT
listen — Katherine Blanke (KAT), in the voice cast for this edition
She remains such a mystery to me, even though I've known her for so long. Why does she do the things she does, why did she do the things she did? @!KAT
listen — Katherine Blanke (KAT), in the voice cast for this edition